Posts Tagged ‘electrolysis’

Inventor of Electrolysis Treatment

November 13, 2009

Another visage saved from ugliness.

Let me pose a question here:  what killed the dinosaurs?  The answer is obvious to all of us:  moonshine.  Prior to Louis Pasteur, however, this simple truth was unknown.  Now let me ask you this:  what killed the woolly mammoth?  Are you stumped?  Unless you’ve read my treatise on hirsutism in the ancient world, you may be unsure.  You may think the melting of the Great Ice Wonderland, or you may think alien spores, or you might even think moonshine again, though we all know that by this time production of hard liquors was regulated by the government.  Nope.  The answer is excessive hair growth.  And you may not realize, but humans could very well suffer the same fate.

That is why I invented electrolysis.

I know that this alone will stand the test of time as my legacy to the human race, and that in the future statues will be erected, and I will be declared the Depilation Saviour.

My invention of electrolysis is an interesting story.  I was initially working on a sort of lightning rod for humans, since so many of our kind were being quite literally struck down each year by this tool of the gods’ heavenly wrath.  I had tried nearly everything– wrapping a person in tin foil  (which failed to protect, but led to my introducing a popular cooking technique that has been adopted primarily by campers and Scout troops), a more traditional metal rod that could be screwed directly into the skull (which turned out to be deadly for the clumsy, but also a source of unicorn-related taunts for those more adept at maneuvering), and even a headset that turned out to be the advent of personal radio devices… but nothing that served the purpose of a lightning rod.  One day, while testing a radical new idea of inserting hundreds of thin metal filaments directly into the pores of the face, I stumbled into the concept of electrolysis.  When I zapped the filaments, lo and behold, Lauren Bacall’s formerly impressive beard fell out.  I was very nearly sued for ruining her career until I hurriedly discovered the health benefits.

I’m sure this all seems very strange to those of you who received your first electrolysis immediately upon your expulsion from the womb, but believe me, the world was a very different place before I started saving it.

Indeed, they are dead.