Well, hello, loyal readers. I’m guessing you had all passed me up for dead, save for Eugenie P.T. Shales, who thoughtfully tracked me down last August whilst I was on a materials gathering expedition in North-Central Pakistan. Grieve no more, mourners. I’ve returned, and with ever more tales of the trails. It’s true, I was retired. And what started out as a mere stroll to the local state park’s wedding pavilion soon turned pastor for a young chanteuse’s shotgun wedding, which in turn led to a hot tip on unrefined uranium, which led instead to bales of the highest-grade of human hair bales, and another foray into the wig business (with surprisingly better results, but more on that when we come to it). You know how starting businesses and careers goes– you start out a sideshow’s human ant, and the next thing you know you’re busing tables at a Big Boy in Topeka, or drenched in Arctic oil. There’s just no telling where one thing will lead.
Which is to say, I’m quite relieved that my mansion is still in order and that my liquor vault remained impenetrable during my long absence. The trained hippo has died, but she was just getting to the age when they are no longer so cute and much more difficult to saddle and ride round the property. Really, past the age of 2, all you can really hope is to spray them down with a brightly colored paint and hope they won’t dunk themselves in the pool before it’s dried. Then you can at least delight yourself with the sight of turquoise and golden behemoths stampeding gaily through your afternoons. (Side note– monkeys and other furred creatures hold up much better when dipped in paint, as it tends to coat better. And though you may be tempted to go with an oil-based paint, I highly recommend trying a glossy latex first.)
Do you have a cocktail in hand? If so, I can tell you are well on your way to “making it.” No? Well, get your darling derriere into that lounger and ring your butler! I recommend a Brandy Alexander– you’re going to need the additional calories from the cream for your brain to fully process my last year of work. I doubt you can see, but I look exactly the same, and this is due to the fact that, though I’ve been working hard enough for 12 people per day (and that’s just physically– let’s not talk mentally, as it would only discourage you), I’ve been taking in a steady stream of Brandy Alexanders. It’s important to be properly nourished for careerism, so I recommend bringing a large canteen or sheep’s bladder of Brandy Alexanders to your work site or office for the days that will surely be your most demanding. Other beverage alternatives could include a Ramos Gin Fizz, Prairie Oyster, or Eggnog, depending on your particular constitution.
Do you have your cocktail yet? Good. Drink it and demand a refill. Your dear, long-lost mentor Count Cyrus will now recount the careers of the past year. After this quick nap.