Those of you who are among my most devoted followers have probably noticed a marked trend in my career choices. It is true that many are apt to involve the artistry of the blade. You may be wondering why this is, why I, your dear Cyrus, am so prone to choose the knife-wielding professions. It is no accident. I am what is known in scientific circles as a “Cultrusus.” That is to say, genetically adapted for superior cutlery skills. Just as some of you are born without the ability to see out of even one of your eyes (in which case, thank your government-provided Web Reader for me), and some of you lack all of your toes, I am predisposed to wield all manner of cleaver.
Thus it should come as no surprise that I built an empire on rare cuts. The blood of exsanguinated creatures filled the moats of my meaty fortress. My foes? The damned Genewdry Brothers. Yes, they and I have more of a history than simply battling it out over the placement of vending machines. In our younger days, we fought a bitter battle for control over the exotic meat market… a market I was to strategically drive them out of.
In those days, tariffs were low. I knew that with the proper lobbying, I could have them raised. But not until I had the makings of my scheme in place. I purchased the largest ship I could find– a decommissioned Naval rig, which I christened “Noah’s Place”– and set off on a safari of sorts. Over the course of two years I visited every continent on earth, collecting a menagerie of every delectable animal the world has to offer: ibex and cheetah, wombat and auroch, hammerhead and diamondback rattler alike. I brought them all back to the Cy-Ranch in central Florida, paying the requisite import duties, and began what has been dubbed “the most aggressive husbandry program the US has ever seen.” This was, of course, the days before cloning. I can only fantasize how my operation could have been streamlined had cloning been an option. But enough dreaming.
The next piece of the puzzle, raising tariffs to ridiculous extremes, was easy peasy. The trick was throwing enough drug and meat-fueled parties in the nation’s capital. After all, nothing brings the reds like meat and the blues like drugs. I am nothing, if not the original bipartisan. Support for my bill was nearly unanimous, save for a few stubborn New York representatives who were in the pockets of the Zoo and Natural History Museum lobbies.
The Genewdrys didn’t even see it coming.
So you see, it’s relatively easy to take over any segment of business or industry so long as you understand the ways in which you can destroy the supply chains of your competitors. Good luck, budding entrepreneurs!