Horse Choreographer

Many people think that birds, humans, and chimpanzees are the only dancing vertebrates in the world– bickering endlessly over which is truly Lord of the Dance.  However, there’s one species out there that has more claim to the titles than all three of these combined.  The Magnificent Stallion!  Prancing like the king he is, gracefully lifting one foot to stir up the air, head bobbing like a spasmodic newborn’s.  The Mighty Apaloosa and the Majestic Fresian!  Bedecked in velvet and silver, tails streaming like those of comets behind them.  They redefine the phrase “hoofing it.”  Never attend a horse dancing show without your handkerchief– how else will you maintain composure while daubing at your eyes and phlegmy nose?

And to think that I once occupied the highest echelons of the horse choreographing hierarchy.  Even with the trophy room and large color photographs to prove it, most days, I barely believe it myself.  That’s why I had all of the horses that I trained stuffed and mounted on rotating discs in the front lawn– so that every morning as I double fist a Tried and True and Mug o’ Joe, the 11 am sun may glint on the show costumes and remind me I am alive.  Thank god for taxidermy, (as I have mentioned before) the most noble of all the arts.  What makes my display even more impressive are the various pets of my past that I have also taxidermied and glued into the stallions’ decorative saddles.  That’s what I call keeping one’s heritage alive.

There is nothing easier than becoming a horse choreographer.  All you need is the proper spandex outfit, sharpened spurs, a whip, and a jaunty Irish tune.  All horses have a sophisticated understanding of rhythm and syncopation, so the creature mostly does the work itself.  The tricky part is becoming a master choreographer, because most horses are not inclined to dance for more than two hours at a time, and if you are ever to win, you will need to make sure that the horse practices at least nine hours a day.  This is where positive encouragement comes in handy.  I’ve heard that there are now devices on the market that allow you to place an electrode directly into the horse’s brain, awakening the centers that make it do exactly what you say.  All it takes is an electric drill.  In a few generations, we may eradicate the use of spurs altogether!  Isn’t science fascinating?


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