Natural Remedies Pharmacist

Giving the wares a test drive.

We all like the feeling of giving back to others, of helping, as we would one day like to be helped when we are incontinent and require constant maintenance in order to keep the systems minimally operational.  That’s why I became a self-made pharmacist– to help.

It all started one day when there wasn’t enough carrot juice to make enough of my Tried and True— a whipped egg and cherry-carrot hangover cure– for all the guests waking up following my annual capybara surf party and barbecue bash.  (I will not tell you the most secret of its ingredients, but the third-most secret is a liberal dousing of cherry brandy.)  This particular year the bash had been Barbarella-themed, and as you can imagine it was one of the most uninhibited, near-feral of my capybara surf parties to date– even more so than my Downeaster Alexa capybara surf party, and that one was in international waters.  Thursday morning of this particular year’s capybara surf party, I made my way to the jacuzzi-side brunch cart to discover that my chef  had neglected to prepare the Tried and True.  What was I to do?  This concoction of mine was pivotal in getting the guests through the next six days of reveling.  It couldn’t be swept under the rug like so much Swarovski crystal.  I called my secretary, Mr. Polly, who was busily taking photos of the more famous of my guests through his lapel corsage as I had requested.  But this was more important.  “Carrot juice!” I told him, “Go buy 40 gallons of carrot juice!”  Then my bodyguard, Jeannie-Fayelene Bakker, and I returned to our polo match, because there is nothing in the world like drinking mint juleps from a goatskin and trying to whack a polo ball from the back of a gleaming palomino stallion that has been fed fine bourbon mash.

Alack, Mr. Polly misunderstood me.  Having only been my secretary for six years, it was understandable.  My life is too complicated for two people to keep all the details straight.  But when I awoke on Friday, in desperate need of the Tried and True, I discovered that I had invented a new hangover cure the night before.  Apparently, Mr. Polly had heard me ask for 40 thousand garra fish, which he promptly dumped into the pool, and which began feeding (as garra fish are wont to do) on the dead skin of those swimming.  It seems that when I jumped in the pool, I quickly became annoyed with the tickling mouths of the little garras, and began scooping them up and dumping them in a blender, the contents of which I soon added to the Tried and True.  And now it seems I’ve accidentally given away the most secret ingredient.  Ah well, it would have gotten out anyway, considering the number of lives changed by that one party.  A spa treatment and a flawless hangover cure?  Jane Fonda was so inspired that she went out and wrote some health book or something.

From that day forward, I continued to develop new and innovative natural remedies for all sorts of maladies– from cancer to the common syphilis– mixing them in ways that classically trained pharmacists would lack the creative verve to try.  Many can still be found in your local grocer’s aisles.  Can you guess which are mine?


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