Engineer of Specialty Vending Machines

The ladies flock to one of my creations.

It all began with my modest vending machine business.  I’m always looking for new markets, and so it was that I could not content myself selling the usual confectioner’s concoctions and fizzy sugar waters.  I had bigger plans– soups and workout accouterments.  But where were the vending machines that could accommodate both a set of dumbbells and heated vat of minestrone?  Nowhere, I tell you.  I didn’t take matters into my own hands because I felt that initial spark of passion– it was sheer necessity that drove me to it.  But over time, I found I had an affinity for it, and the world began to take notice.

Of course, by this time my popular “Soup & Sweat,” machines had taken off, and a slough of copycats were trying to edge in on my clientele.  You surely remember “Pants on the Go!” and “Kolostomy and Kupkake.”  OK, both of these popular vending stations were also mine, but there were a million others of similar ilk and I knew that the smartest move was to make sure that they were answerable to ME.  The surest way to make this happen was to design and build the machines they needed myself.

And need them, they did.  I remember a rival company that had focused previously on pinball machines that tried to spring up in my niche– sure their machines were flashy, but they just couldn’t hold up when it came to the assaults of ravenous ruffians.  There were the usual claims that the attacks on the Genewdry Brothers’ machines were targeted, but nothing was ever officially proven.  I say that’s what they get for putting out a machine so adorned in colored lights, with such sparkling chrome and whilimagigs.  Like maggots to a decomposing carcass, the ruffians can’t keep away.

Many people have claimed  that my so-called “stranglehold” over the specialty vending machine manufacturing sector constitutes a monopoly.  Pishity posh.  There’s just not a lot of call for newer forms of vending devices, and most proprietors choose to go with a tried and true engineering firm.  If I were an industrial kitchen supplies company or a paper mill, it would be a different story.  Just stay out of the business– I wouldn’t want to see you fail so miserably that you wake up one day in Canada, and wind up gutting your horse and crawling inside just to stay warm some cold Yukon night.


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