Coiner of Psychological Disorders

Feeding the brain via the crude, yet effective, "funnel o' gin" method.

These days schoolyard insults revolving around various psychological conditions are so common as to be considered passe.  But there was once a time when only one word existed with which to taunt those different than you and I– MAD.  Thanks to the perfidious influence of one Lewis Carroll, these days most people assume that the adjective applied only to those employed in the Felt & Pelt Headpiece Arts.  In truth almost everyone fell under the wide umbrella of the term.  From kings to kings and back again, most people were mad, but nobody had thought to make distinctions between the various types of madness.  Being something of an amateur scientist, and having written a treatise on dreams that some Austrian intercepted from the post, bastardized, and published under his own foul name, I sought other avenues by which to distinguish myself  as a force in the nebulous new field of psycho-olog-chia-alytics.  (I also sought to poison the Austrian, and eventually experienced the joy of injecting him repeatedly with morphine.)

My first addition to the field was the term, “hysterical.”  Originally, I assumed this would be applied to cats, and imagined vast windowless prisons in which these devil creatures would be locked away for all eternity.  My surprise knew no bounds when my original publication was translated and the word “women” was substituted in “cats” stead.  I learned from this experience that there are precious few good translators from Moldavian to English, French, Chinese or British, and henceforth took care to write in all five languages.

Despite the hit that “hysteria” was, many of my later terms were met with even more acclaim.  “Ulan Batar” became so popular that a parcel of land in Mongolia was set aside and an entire colony constructed to house people afflicted with the disorder, which at the time meant “excessive use of fur in dailywear.”  Another vital term I came up with was “cancer,” which it turned out was not a psychological disorder at all, but more of a popular topic for weekly news magazines to devote entire issues to when diverting public attention from shady war treaties.  Flip open any version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, and you are certain to find a disorder delineated and named by me.  Dementia Praecox– mine.  Bunco, Strindberg-otic, Staplerface– mine mine mine.  Dumpypants and Borderline… I don’t need to go on.  I think you get the picture.

Unfortunately, I have pretty much thought up every psychological and personality disorder in existence.  There is very little room for career advancement in the field, and breaking in is terribly hard.  However, I have heard that there are great opportunities in synthetic hallucinogens, which could scramble brains in new and interesting ways, thus creating more of a market for those who want to name psychological disorders.  Just a hint from your dear and thoughtful mentor!


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