Professional Striker


Brave compatriots, poor sloganeers.

There is nothing more unwieldy than a strike– and you can believe me about it, because I spent most of the early part of the century in the pro striking leagues.  Dental floss factories, safflower refineries, beet packing plants… you name it, I’ve striked it, and striked it with the best of them.  Who did Upton Sinclair come to for advice about California’s sulfur mines for his novel, The Jungle?  You guessed it.  Who was the popular, serialized comic hero “Colin Foradecenthourlywage” based on?  Yes, also true.  You see, for the striker with moxie, fame comes naturally.  And for those who are (often violently) opposed to work, striking provides an attractive and lucrative alternative.

Many a time has some young soul come up to me and said, “Hi.  My name is Joe.  I’ve got a wife and three kids and I work in a button factory.  One day, my boss says to me, ‘Joe, are you busy?’  I says, ‘no.’  ‘Then push a button with your left foot.’…” and so on and so on, until Joe is pushing buttons with all possible appendages, both major and minor.  He wants the madness to end.  What can he do?  The answer is simple, but many people are afraid to try it.  To this I ask, “Joe!  Will you live your whole life in fear, buttons governing your every move and a big bad boss always breathing down your chimney?  Light a fire in that chimney, and be free!  Get up off your tuffet!  Plant your magic beans and if you’re waiting for the right kind of pilot to come, I would fly to the moon and back. ”  I know my words are encouraging– most folks like Joe are already running, running off to make a sandwich board or find a megaphone I assume, before I have even come to the end of my inspirational statement.  Such is my charisma, the charisma of a veteran.

Most folks also presume that in order to strike a place, you must first work there.  Not so.  The most important thing is to incite other workers to strike along with you.  This makes you the clear leader, and most places of employment keep such poor records that the egg is on their faces when they cannot find your employment file.  It is important to become properly enraged when this information is disclosed, and to tell all the local media outlets.  It was through this process that I was once hired on as Executive Vice President in charge of Worker Affairs at a button factory.  Oh, no no no… I know what you’re thinking, but our business was producing the buttons that pin to your clothing– primarily for presidential campaigns and for striking workers.  Funny how things tend to come full circle!


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