Rescue Dog Barrel Manufacturer

A fine specimen and an okay looking dog, too.

A fine specimen and an okay looking dog, too.

The folks fine enough to know me, know that there is nothing I appreciate more than an appropriately-sized barrel of whiskey in the evening.  Which is why it seemed like a natural outgrowth to open my own factory for the manufacture of such barrels.  After all, as rich as I am, it grows tiresome to have to purchase a new barrel each day so that I may toss it into a roaring fire in the evening, and watch the servants skitter off frightened of the ensuing explosion (as if they didn’t know it was coming) before I call them back to clean up the smoldering wooden shrapnel and lay a new Persian rug in place of the singed one now stinking up my smoking lounge.  I could significantly cut my overhead if I simply produced my own barrels.

That, and I have a keen interest in helping people.

You can imagine that I was at first astonished to learn that there was a market for such barrels.  “Strapping them to dogs?” I thought.  “St. Bernards?”  I thought.  I could imagine strapping a barrel full of whiskey to a chihuahua.  It’s an important part of one of my favorite party games.  Then you and your compadres race the chihuahuas up a 9% inclined track greased with sow fat.  (Be sure to take note of this for your Cinco de Noviembre festivities, and be sure to emblazon my name on the track– I own the rights to the game, and I don’t want to embroil you in a protracted legal battle, but am willing to allow any “Common Joe” to play as long as my name appears on your track.)  I simply couldn’t see the fun in giving a St. Bernard a barrel of whiskey and sending it off into an avalanche zone.  What would become of your whiskey should another avalanche occur, and the dog died under thousands of pounds of snow?  Perhaps there is a market for a whiskey cured in such a manner, but I have yet to meet a person who cultivates such tastes.  I did, however, soon discover the error of my ways.  After a minor skiing incident of my own which found me face down in a drift outside the chalet, having lost my way to the little men’s room, I finally saw the light.  My face and hands were freezing, and in my inebriated state I couldn’t seem to right myself.  What was I to do?  Would I suffocate there, unable to pull my face from the snow, lungs finally losing the battle to glean that last bit of life from the already oxygen-depleted air I’d been breathing prior to stumbling over the railing on the first-class porch of the chalet?  I tried in vain to weep, hoping tears might melt the snow, but not a one… not even thinking of the underwater safari and the blue whale I would never have a chance to harpoon could bring a tear, salty like the ocean, to my eye.  As I was on the verge of giving up hope and resigning myself to at least having a well-preserved corpse, I felt the snuffle of a wet nose in my ear.  “Oh, and now a snow ape will mar my beautiful visage,” I thought, but as the creature turned me over I was greeted with the disgusting smell of a St. Bernard’s breath and not a snow ape at all.  And what was more– a barrel of whiskey!  And then the tears did come, and I wept with joy as I ripped the barrel from the dog’s neck (subsequently breaking the neck, but surely a small matter) and doused myself with the restorative elixir, which gave me enough strength to climb the twelve steps and return to the Martin Luther King, Jr. Day party I had been attending.

Since that day, I have been a silent but powerful advocate for the rescue dog industry, and continue to supply the majority of barrels for such enterprises.


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3 Responses to “Rescue Dog Barrel Manufacturer”

  1. shareefali Says:

    St. Rid,

    You may chortle now, but one day Rachel Maddow will expose you.

  2. Craig Says:

    Can we buy these barrels trade? About 100 units? What part of the world are you? craig

  3. Quinn Obrien Says:

    Rescue Dog Barrel Manufacturer Cyrus St. Rid's Blog of Careers is an interesting name for a blog, keep up the good work, thanks, from Quinn Obrien

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